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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then I hit up the local bakery on the corner of Storgata and Kjerkveien. Best pastries in town, no joke. I grab a kanelbolle (cinnamon roll) and it’s warm and gooey. I’m in heaven! But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs into me. I spill my coffee all over my shirt. Ugh! I’m standing there, sticky and annoyed. The kid just laughs and runs off. I’m like, “Great, just great.”

Photos: Troops from Petawawa in Norway for winter warfare training